THE SIXT NOVELL

 

    WHEREIN IS DECLARED, HOW EASILY A PLAINE AND SIMPLE MAN MAY BE

         MADE A FOOLE, WHEN HE DEALETH WITH CRAFTY COMPANIONS.

 

  Bruno and Buffalmaco, did steale a young Brawne from Calandrino, and

for his recovery thereof, they used a kinde of pretended

conjuration, with Pilles made of Ginger and strong Malmesey. But

instead of this application, they on, they gave him two Pilles of a

Dogges Dates, or Dowsets, confected in Alloes, which he received

each after the other by meanes whereof they made him beleeve, that hee

had robde himselfe. And for feare they should report this theft to his

Wife; they made him to goe buy another Brawne.

 

  Philostratus had no sooner concluded his Novell, and the whole

Assembly laughed Madame thereat: but the Queen gave command to

Madame Philomena, that shee should follow next in order; whereupon

thus shee began. Worthy Ladies, as Philostratus, by calling to memorie

the name of Maso del Saggio, hath contented you with another merry

Novell concerning him: In the same manner must I intreat you, to

remember once againe Calandrino and his subtle by a pretty tale

which I meane to tell ow, and in what manner they were revenged on

him, for going to seeke the invisible Stone.

  Needlesse were any fresh relation to you, what manner of people

those three men were, Calandrino, Bruno, and Buffalmaco, because

already you have had sufficient understanding of them. And

therefore, as an induction to my discourse, I must tell you, that

Calandrino had a small Country-house, in a Village some-what neere

to Florence, which came to him by the marriage of his Wife. Amon other

Cattle and Poultry, which he kept there in store, hee had a young

Boare readie fatted for Brawne, whereof yearly he used to kill one for

his owne provision; and alwaies in the month of December, he and his

wife resorted to their village house, to have a Brawne both killed and

salted.

  It came to passe at this time concerning my Tale, that the Woman

being somewhat crazie and sickly, by her Husbands unkinde usage,

whereof you heard so lately; Calandrino went alone to the killing of

his Boare, which comming to the hearing of Bruno and Buffalmaco and

that the Woman could by no meanes be there: to passe away the time a

little in merriment, they went to a friendlie Companion of theirs,

an honest joviall Priest, dwelling not farre off from Calandrinoes

Countrey house.

  The same morning as the Boare was kilde, they all three went

thither, and Calandrino seeing them in the Priests companie: bad

them all heartily welcome; and to acquaint them with his good

Husbandry, hee shewed them his house, and the Boare where it hung.

They perceyving it to be faire and fat, knowing also, that

Calandrino intended to salt it for his owne store, Bruno saide unto

him: Thou art an Asse Calandrino, sell thy Brawne, and let us make

merrie with the money: then let thy wife know no otherwise, but that

it was stolne from thee, by those theeves which continually haunt

country houses, especially in such scattering Villages.

  Oh mine honest friends, answered Calandrino, your counsell is not to

be followed, neither is my wife so easie to be perswaded: this wer the

readiest way to make your house a hell, and she to become the Master

Divell: therefore talke no further, for flatly I will not doe it.

Albeit they laboured him very earnestly, yet all proved not to anie

purpose: onely he desired them to suppe with him, but in so colde a

manner, as they denyed him, and parted thence from him. As they walked

on the way, Bruno saide to Buffalmaco. Shall we three (this night) rob

him of his Brawne? Yea marry (quoth Buffalmaco) how is it to be

done? I have (saide Bruno) alreadie found the meanes to effect it,

if he take it not from the place where last we saw it. Let us doe it

then (answered Buffalmaco) why should we not do it? Sir Domine heere

and we, will make good cheare with it among our selves. The nimble

Priest was as forward as the best; and the match being fully agreed

on, Bruno thus spake. My delicate Sir Domine, Art and cunning must

be our maine helps: for thou knowest Buffalmaco, what a covetous

wretch Calandrino is, glad and readie to drink alwaies on other mens

expences: let us go take him with us to the Tavern, where the Priest

(for his owne honour and reputation) shall offer to make paiment of

the whole reckoning, without receiving a farthing of his, whereof he

will not be a little joyfull, so shall we bring to passe the rest of

the businesse, because there is no body in the house, but onely

himselfe: for he is best at ease without company.

  As Bruno had propounded, so was it accordingly performed, and when

Calandrino perceyved, that the Priest would suffer none to pay, but

himselfe, he dranke the more freely; and when there was no neede at

all, tooke his Cuppes couragiously one after another. Two or three

houres of the night were spent, before they parted from the Taverne,

Calandrino going directly home to his house, and instantly to bed,

without any other supper, imagining that he had made fast his doore,

which (indeede) he left wide open: sleeping soundly, without suspition

of any harme intended unto him. Buffalmaco and Bruno went and supt

with the Priest, and so soone as supper was ended, they tooke certaine

Engines, for their better entering into Calandrinoes house, and so

went on to effect theyr purpose. Finding the doore standing readie

open, they entered in, tooke the Brawne, carried it with them to the

Priests house, and afterward went all to bed.

  When Calandrino had well slept after his Wine, he arose in the

morning, and being descended downe the staires; finding the street

doore wide open, he looked for the Brawne, but it was gone.

Enquiring of the neighbours dwelling neere about him, hee could

heare no tydings of his Brawne, but became the wofullest man in the

world, telling every one that his Brawne was stolne. Bruno and

Buffalmaco being risen in the morning, they went to visite

Calandrino to heare how he tooke the losse of his Brawne: and hee no

sooner had a sight of them, but he called them to him; and with the

teares running downe his cheekes, sayde: Ah my deare friendes, I am

robde of my Brawne. Bruno stepping closely to him, sayde in his

eare: It is wonderfull, that once in thy life time thou canst bee

wise. How? answered Calandrino, I speake to you in good earnest.

Speake so still in earnest (replied Bruno) and cry it out so loud as

thou canst, then let who list beleeve it to be true.

  Calandrino stampt and fretted exceedingly, saying: As I am a true

man to God, my Prince, and Countrey, I tell thee truly, that my Brawne

is stolne. Say so still I bid thee (answered Bruno) and let all the

world beleeve thee, if they list to do so, for I will not. Wouldst

thou (quoth Calandrino) have me damne my selfe to the divell? I see

thou dost not credit what I say: but would I were hanged by the necke,

if it be not true, that my Brawne is stolne. How can it possible be,

replyed Bruno? Did not I see it in thy house yesternight? Wouldst thou

have me beleeve, that it is flowne away? Although it is not flowne

away (quoth Calandrino) yet I am certain, that it is stolne away:

for which I am weary of my life, because I dare not go home to mine

owne house, in regard my wife will never beleeve it; and yet if she

should credite it, we are sure to have no peace for a twelve months

space.

  Bruno, seeming as if he were more then halfe sorrowfull, yet

supporting still his former jesting humor, saide: Now trust mee

Calandrino, if it be so; they that did it are much too blame. If it be

so? answered Calandrino, Belike thou wouldst have mee blaspheme

Heaven, and all the Saints therein: I tell thee once againe Bruno,

that this last night my Brawne was stolne. Be patient good Calandrino,

replyed Buffalmaco, and if thy Brawne be stolne from thee, there are

means enow to get it againe. Meanes enow to get it againe? said

Calandrino, I would faine heare one likely one, and let all the rest

go by. I am sure Calandrino, answered Buffalmaco, thou art verily

perswaded, that no Theefe came from India, to steale thy Brawne from

thee: in which respect, it must needes then be some of thy Neighbours:

whom if thou couldst lovingly assemble together, I knowe an experiment

to be made with Bread and Cheese, whereby the party that hath it, will

quickly be discovered.

  I have heard (quoth Bruno) of such an experiment, and helde it to be

infallible; but it extendeth onely unto persons of Gentilitie, whereof

there are but few dwelling heere about, and in the case of stealing

a Brawne, it is doubtfull to invite them, neither can there be any

certainty of their comming. I confesse what you say, aunswered

Buffalmaco, to be very true: but then in this matter, so nerely

concerning us to be done, and for a deare Friend, what is your advice?

I would have Pilles made of Ginger, compounded with your best and

strongest Malmsey, then let the ordinary sort of people be invited

(for such onely are most to be mistrusted) and they will not faile

to come, because they are utterly ignorant of our intention.

Besides, the Pilles may as well bee hallowed and consecrated, as bread

and cheese on the like occasion. Indeede you say true (replyed

Buffalmaco) but what is the opinion of Calandrino? Is he willing to

have this tryall made, or no? Yes, by all meanes, answered Calandrino,

for gladly I would know who hath stolne my Brawne; and your good words

have (more then halfe) comforted me already in this case.

  Well then (quoth Bruno) I will take the paines to go to Florence, to

provide all things necessarie for this secret service; but I must

bee furnished with money to effect it. Calandrino had some forty

shillings then about him, which he delivered to Bruno, who presently

went to Florence, to a frend of his an Apothecarie, of whom he

bought a pound of white Ginger, which hee caused him to make uppe in

small Pilles: and two other beside of a Dogges-dates or Dowsets,

confected all over with strong Aloes, yet well moulded in Sugare, as

all the rest were: and because they should the more easily bee

knowne from the other, they were spotted with Gold, in verie formall

and Physicall manner. He bought moreover, a big Flaggon of the best

Malmesey, returning backe with all these things to Calandrino, and

directing him in this order.

  You must put some friend in trust, to invite your Neighbors

(especially such as you suspect) to a breakfast in the morning: and

because it is done as a feast in kindnesse, they will come to you

the more willingly. This night will I and Buffalmaco take such

order, that the Pilles shall have the charge imposed on them, and then

wee will bring them hither againe in the morning: and I, my selfe (for

your sake) will deliver them to your guests, and performe whatsoever

is to bee sayde or done. On the next morning, a goodly company being

assembled, under a faire Elme before the Church; as well young

Florentynes (who purposely came to make themselves merry) as

neighbouring Husbandmen of the Village: Bruno was to begin the

service, with the Pils in a faire Cup, and Buffalmaco followed him

with another Cup, to deliver the wine out of the Flaggon, all the

company beeing set round, as in a circle; and Bruno with Buffalmaco

being in the midst of them, Bruno thus spake.

 Honest friends, it is fit that I should acquaint you with the

occasion, why we are thus met together, and in this place: because

if anie thing may seeme offensive to you; afterward you shall make

no complaint of me. From Calandrino (our loving friend heere

present) yesternight there was a new-kild fat Brawne taken, but who

hath done the deede, as yet he knoweth not; and because none other,

but some one (or more) heere among us, must needs offend in this case:

he, desiring to understand who they be, would have each man to receive

one of these Pilles, and afterward to drinke of this Wine; assuring

you all, that whosoever stole the Brawne hence, cannot be able to

swallow the Pill: for it wil be so extreme bitter in his mouth, as

it will enforce him to Coughe and spet extraordinarily. In which

respect, before such a notorious shame be received, and in so goodly

an assembly, as now are heere present: it were much better for him

or them that have the Brawne, to confesse it in private to this honest

Priest, and I will abstaine from urging anie such publike proofe.

  Every one there present answered, that they were well contented both

to eate and drinke, and let the shame fall where it deserved;

whereupon, Bruno appointing them how they should sit, and placing

Calandrino as one among them: he began his counterfeite exorcisme,

giving each man a Pill, and Buffalmaco a Cup of Wine after it. But

when he came to Calandrino, hee tooke one of them which was made of

the Dogges dates or Dowsets, and delivering it into his hand,

presently hee put it into his mouth and chewed it. So soone as his

tongue tasted the bitter Aloes, he began to coughe and spet extreamly,

as being utterly unable, to endure the bitternesse and noysome

smell. The other men that had receyved the Pils, beganne to gaze one

upon another, to see whose behaviour should discover him; and Bruno

having not (as yet) delivered Pils to them all, proceeded on still

in his businesse, as seeming not to heare any coughing, till one

behinde him, saide. What meaneth Calandrino by this spetting and

coughing?

  Bruno sodainely turning him about, and seeing Calandrino to cough

and spet in such sort, saide to the rest. Be not too rash (honest

Friends) in judging of any man, some other matter (then the Pille) may

procure this Coughing, wherfore he shall receive another, the better

to cleare your beleefe concerning him. He having put the second

prepared Pill into his mouth, while Bruno went to serve the rest of

the Guests: if the first was exceeding bitter to his taste, this other

made it a great deale worse, for teares streamed forth of his eyes

as bigge as Cherry-stones, and champing and chewing the Pill, as

hoping it would overcome his coughing; he coughed and spette the

more violently, and in grosser manner then he did before, nor did they

give him any wine to helpe it.

  Buffalmaco, Bruno, and the whole company, perceiving how he

continued still his coughing and spetting, saide all with one voyce,

That Calandrino was the Theefe to him selfe: and gave him manie grosse

speeches beside, all departing home unto their houses, very much

displeased and angry with him. After they were gone, none remained

with him but the Priest, Bruno and Buffalmaco, who thus spake to

Calandrino. I did ever thinke, that thou wast the theefe thy selfe,

yet thou imputedst thy robbery to some other, for feare we should once

drinke freely of thy purse, as thou hast done many times of ours.

Calandrino, who had not yet ended his coughing and spetting, sware

many bitter Oathes, that his Brawne was stolne from him. Talke so long

as thou wilt, quoth Buffalmaco, thy knavery is both knowne and

seene, and well thou mayst be ashamed of thy selfe. Calandrino hearing

this, grew desperately angry; and to incense him more, Bruno thus

pursued the matter.

  Heare me Calandrino, for I speake to thee in honest earnest, there

was a man in the company, who did eate and drinke heere among thy

neighbours, and plainly told me, that thou keptst a young Lad heere to

do thee service, feeding him with such victuals as thou couldst spare,

by him thou didst send away thy Brawne, to one that bought it of

thee for foure Crownes, onely to cousen thy poore wife and us. Canst

thou not yet learne to leave thy mocking and scorning? Thou hast

forgotte, how thou broughtst us to the plaine of Mugnone, to seeke for

black invisible stones: which having found, thou concealedst them to

thy selfe, stealing home invisibly before us, and making us follow

like fooles after thee.

  Now likewise, by horrible lying Oathes, and perjured

protestations, thou wouldst make us beleeve, that the Brawne (which

thou hast cunningly sold for ready money) was stolne from thee out

of thy house, when thou art onely the Theefe to thy selfe, as by

that excellent rule of Art (which never faileth) hath plainly, to

thy shame, appeared. Wee being so well acquainted with thy

delusions, and knowing them perfectly; now do plainly tell thee,

that we mean not to be foold any more. Nor is it unknowne to thee,

what paines wee have taken, in making this singular peece of proofe.

Wherefore we inflict this punishment on thee, that thou shalt bestow

on this honest Priest and us, two couple of Capons, and a Flaggon of

Wine, or else we will discover this knavery of thine to thy Wife.

  Calandrino perceiving, that all his protestations could winne no

credit with them, who had now the Law remaining in their owne hands,

and purposed to deale with him as they pleased: apparantly saw, that

sighing and sorrow did nothing availe him. Moreover, to fall into

his wives tempestuous stormes of chiding, would bee worse to him

then racking or torturing: he gladly therefore gave them money, to buy

the two couple of Capons and Wine, being heartily contented

likewise, that hee was so well delivered from them. So the merry

Priest, Bruno, and Buffalmaco, having taken good order for salting the

Brawne; closely carried it with them to Florence, leaving Calandrino

to complaine of his losse, and well requited, for mocking them with

the invisible stones.