THE THIRD NOVELL

 

     DISCOVERING THE SIMPLICITY OF SOME SILLY WITTED MEN, AND HOW

             EASIE A MATTER IT IS TO ABUSE AND BEGUILE THEM

 

  Master Simon the Physitian, by the perswasions of Bruno, Buffalmaco,

and a third Companion, named Nello, made Calandrino to beleeve, that

he was conceived great with childe. And having Physicke ministred to

him for the disease: they got both good fatte Capons and money of him,

and so cured him, without any other man of deliverance.

 

  After that Madame Eliza had concluded her Novell, and every one of

the company given thankes to Fortune, for delivering poore Isabella

the faire young Nunne, from the bitter reprehensions of the as

faulty Abbesse, as also the malice of her envious Sisters; the

Queene gave command unto Philostratus, that he should be the next in

order, and hee (without expecting anie other warning) began in this

manner.

  Faire Ladies, the paltry Judge of the Marquisate, whereof

yesterday I made relation to you; hindred mee then of another

Novell, concerning silly Calandrino, wherewith I purpose now to

acquaint you. And because whatsoever hath already bin spoken of him,

tended to no other end but matter of meriment, hee and his

companions duly considered; the Novel which I shal now report, keepeth

within the selfesame compasse, and aimeth also at your contentment,

according to the scope of imposed variety.

  You have already heard what manner of man Calandrino was, and

likewise the rest of his pleasant Companions, who likewise are now

againe to be remembred, because they are actors in our present

discourse. It came so to passe, that an Aunt of Calandrinoes dying,

left him a legacy of two hundred Florines, wherewith he purposed to

purchase some small Farme-house in the countrey, or else to enlarge

the other, whereof he was possessed already. And, as if bee were to

disburse some ten thousand Florines, there was not a Broker in all

Florence, but understood what he intended to doe: and all the worst

was, that the strings of his purse could stretch no higher. Bruno, and

Buffalmaco (his auncient Confederates) who heard of this good

Fortune befalne him, advised him in such manner as they were wont to

do; allowing it much better for him, to make merrie with the money

in good cheare among them, then to lay it out in paltry Land,

whereto he would not by any meanes listen, but ridde himselfe of

them with a dinners cost, as loath to bee at anie further charge

with them.

  These merry Laddes meant not to leave him so; but sitting one day in

serious consultation, and a third man in their companie, named

Nello; they all three layde their braines in steep, by what means to

wash their mouths well, and Calandrino to bee at the cost thereof.

  And having resolved what was to bee done, they met togither the next

morning, even as Calandrino was comming foorth of his house, and

sundering themselves, to avoyd all suspition, yet beeing not farre

distant each from other; Nello first met him, and saide unto him, Good

Morrow Calandrino: which he requited backe agayne with the same

salutation. But then Nello standing still, looked him stedfastly in

the face: whereat Calandrino mervailing, sayd. Nello.

  Why dost thou behold me so advisedly? Whereunto Nello answered,

saying Hast thou felt any paine this last night past? Thou lookest

nothing so well, as thou didst yesterday. Calandrino began instantly

to wax doubtfull, and replyed thus. Dost thou see any alteration in my

face, whereby to imagine, I should feele some paine? In good faith

Calandrino (quoth Nello) me thinks thy countenance is strangely

changed, and surely it proceedeth from some great cause, and so he

departed away from him.

  Calandrino being very mistrustfull, scratched his head, yet felte he

no grievance at all; and going still on; Buffalmaco sodainely

encountred him, upon his departure from Nello, and after salutations

passing betweene them; in a manner of admiration, demanded what he

ayled?

  Truly (quoth Calandrino) well enough to mine owne thinking, yet

notwithstanding, I met with Nello but even now; and he told me, that

my countenance was very much altred; Is it possible that I should

bee sicke, and feele no paine or distaste in any part of me?

Buffalmaco answered; I am not so skilfull in judgement, as to argue on

the Nature of distemper in the body: but sure I am, that thou hast

some daungerous inward impediment, because thou lookst (almost) like a

man more then halfe dead.

  Calandrino began presently to shake, as if hee had had a Feaver

hanging on him, and then came Bruno looking fearefully on him, and

before he would utter any words, seemed greatly to bemoane him, saying

at length. Calandrino? Art thou the same man, or no? How wonderfuly

art thou changed since last I saw thee, which is no longer then yester

day? I pray thee tell mee, How dooest thou feele thy health?

  Calandrino hearing, that they all agreed in one opinion of him; he

beganne verily to perswade himselfe, that some sodaine sicknes, had

seised upon him, which they could discerne, although hee felt no

anguish at all: and therefore, like a man much perplexed in minde,

demanded of them, What he should do? Beleeve me Calandrino (answered

Bruno) if I were worthy to give thee counsell, thou shouldst returne

home presently to thy house, and lay thee downe in thy warme Bedde,

covered with so many cloathes as thou canst well endure. Then to

Morrow morning, send thy Water unto Learned Mayster Doctor the

Physitian, who (as thou knowest) is a man of most singular skill and

experience: he will instruct thee presently what is the best course to

be taken, and we that have ever beene thy loving friends, will not

faile thee in any thing that lieth in our power.

  By this time, Nello being come againe unto them, they all returned

home with Calandrino unto his owne house, whereinto he entering very

faintly, hee saide to his Wife: Woman, make my Bed presently ready,

for I feele my selfe to be growne extreamely sicke, and see that

thou layest cloathes enow upon me. Being thus laide in his Bedde, they

left him for that night, and returned to visite him againe the verie

next morning, by which time, he had made a reservation of his Water,

and sent it by a young Damosell unto Maister Doctor, who dwelt then in

the olde market place, at the signe of the Muske Mellone. Then saide

Bruno unto his Companions; Abide you heere to keepe him company, and I

will walke along to the Physitian, to understand what he will say: and

if neede be, I can procure him to come hither with me. Calandrino very

kindely accepted his offer, saying withall. Well Bruno, thou shewst

thy selfe a friend in the time of necessity, I pray thee know of

him, how the case stands with me, for I feele a very strange

alteration within mee, far beyond all compasse of my conceite.

  Bruno being gone to the Physitian, he made such expedition, that

he arrived there before the Damosell, who carried the Water, and

informed Master Simon with the whole tricke intended: wherefore,

when the Damosell was come, and hee had passed his judgement

concerning the water, he said to her.

  Maide, go home againe, and tell Calandrino, that he must keep

himselfe very warme: and I my selfe will instantly be with him, to

enstruct him further in the quality of his sicknesse.

  The Damosell delivered her message accordingly, and it was not

long before Mayster Doctor Simon came, with Bruno also in his company,

and sitting downe on the beds side by Calandrino, hee began to taste

his pulse, and within a small while after, his Wife being come into

the Chamber, he said. Observe me well Calandrino, for I speake to thee

in the nature of a true friend; thou hast no other disease, but only

thou art great with child.

  So soone as Calandrino heard these words, in dispairing manner he

beganne to rage, and cry out aloud, saying to his wife Ah thou

wicked woman, this is long of thee, and thou hast done me this

mischeefe for alwayes thou wilt be upon me, ever railing at mee, and

fighting, untill thou hast gotten me under thee. Say thou divellish

creature, do I not tell thee true? The Woman, being of verie honest

and civill conversation, hearing her husband speake so foolishly:

blushing with shame, and hanging downe her head in bashfull manner;

without returning any answer, went forth of her Chamber.

  Calandrino continuing still in his angry humour, wringing his hands,

and beating them upon his breast, said: Wretched man that I am, What

shall I do? How shal I be delivered of this child? Which way can it

come from me into the world? I plainly perceyve, that I am none

other then a dead man, and all through the wickednesse of my Wife:

heaven plague her with as many mischiefes, as I am desirous to finde

ease. Were I now in as good health, as heere-tofore I have beene, I

would rise out of my bed, and never cease beating her, untill I had

broken her in a thousand peeces. But if Fortune will be so

favourable to me, as to helpe mee out of this dangerous agony: hang

me, if ever she get me under her againe, or make me such an Asse, in

having the mastery over mee, as diuers times she hath done.

  Bruno, Buffalmaco and Nello, hearing these raving speeches of

Calandrino, were swolne so bigge with laughter, as if their ribbes

would have burst in sunder; neverthelesse, they abstained so well as

they were able; but Doctor Simon gaped so wide with laughing as one

might easily have pluckt out all his teeth. In the end, because he

could tarry there no longer, but was preparing to depart: Calandrino

thanked him for his paines, requesting that hee would be carefull of

him, in aiding him with his best advise and counsell, and he would not

be unmindfull of him. Honest neighbour Calandrino, answered the

Phisition, I would not have you to torment your selfe, in such an

impatient and tempestuous manner, because I perceive the time so to

hasten on, as we shall soone perceive (and that within very few

dayes space) your health well restored, and without the sense of

much paine; but indeed it wil cost expences. Alas Sir, said

Calandrino, mak not any spare of my purse, to procure that I may

have safe deliverance. I have two hundred Florines, lately falne to me

by the death of mine Aunt, wherewith I intended to purchase a Farme in

the Countrey: take them all if need be, onely reserving some few for

my lying in Childbed. And then Master Doctor, Alas, I know not how

to behave my selfe, for I have heard the grievous complaint of women

in that case, oppressed with bitter pangs and throwes; as

questionlesse they will bee my death, except you have the greater care

of me.

  Be of good cheere neighbour Calandrino, replyed Doctor Simon, I will

provide an excellent distilled drinke for you, marveilously pleasing

in taste, and of soveraigne vertue, which will resolve all in three

mornings, making you as whole and as sound as a Fish newly spawned.

But you must have an especiall care afterward, being providently wise,

least you fall into the like follies againe. Concerning the

preparation of this precious drinke, halfe a dozen of Capons, the very

fairest and fattest, I must make use of in the distillation: what

other things shall bee imployed beside, you may deliver forty Florines

to one of these your honest friends, to see all the necessaries bought

and sent me home to my house. Concerning my businesse, make you no

doubt thereof, for I will have all distilled against to morrow, and

then doe you drinke a great Glasse full every morning, fresh and

fasting next your heart. Calandrino was highly pleased with his words,

returning master Doctor infinite thankes, and referring all to his

disposing. And having given forty Florines to Bruno, with other

money beside, to buy the halfe dozen of Capons: he thought himselfe

greatly beholding to them all, and protested to requite their

kindenesse.

  Master Doctor being gone home to his house, made ready a bottel of

very excellent Hypocrasse, which he sent the next day according to his

promise: and Bruno having bought the Capons, with other junkets, fit

for the turne, the Phisitian and his merry Companions, fed on them

hartely for the givers sake. As for Calandrino, he liked his dyet

drinke excellently well, quaffing a large Glassefull off three

mornings together: afterward Master Doctor and the rest came to see

him, and having felt his pulse, the Phisition said. Calandrino, thou

art now as sound in health, as any man in all Florence can be: thou

needest not to keepe within doores any longer, but walke abroad

boldly, for all is well and the childe gone.

  Calandrino arose like a joyfull man, and walked daily through the

streets, in the performance of such affaires as belonged to him: and

every acquaintance he met withall, he told the condition of his sudden

sickenesse; and what a rare cure Master Doctor Simon had wrought on

him, delivering him (in three dayes space) of a childe, and without

the feeling of any paine. Bruno, Buffalmaco, and Nello, were not a

little jocond, for meeting so well with covetous Calandrino: but how

the Wife liked the folly of her Husband, I leave to the judgement of

all good Women.