THE FIFT NOVELL

 

       IN JUST REPREHENSION OF THOSE VAINEHEADED FOOLES, THAT ARE

                  LED AND GOVERNED BY IDLE PERSWASIONS

 

  Calandrino became extraordinarily enamoured of a young Damosell,

named Nicholetta. Bruno prepared a Charme or writing for him,

avouching constantly to him, that so soone as he touched the

Damosell therewith, she should follow him whithersoever hee would have

her. She being gone to an appointed place with him, hee was found

there by his wife, and dealt withall according to his deserving.

 

  Because the Novell reported by Madame Neiphila was so soone

concluded, without much laughter, or commendation of the whole

Company: the Queene turned hir selfe towards Madam Fiammetta,

enjoyning her to succeed in apt order; and she being as ready as

sodainly commanded, began as followeth. Most gentle Ladies, I am

perswaded of your opinion in judgement with mine, that there is not

any thing, which can bee spoken pleasingly, except it be

conveniently suited with apt time and place: in which respect, when

Ladies and Gentlewomen are bent to discoursing, the due election of

them both are necessarily required. And therefore I am not unmindfull,

that our meeting heere (ayming at nothing more, then to outweare the

time with our generall contentment) should tye us to the course of our

pleasure and recreation, to the same conveniency of time and place;

not sparing, though some have bin nominated oftentimes in our passed

arguments; yet, if occasion serve, and the nature of variety be well

considered, wee may speake of the selfesame persons againe.

  Now, notwithstanding the actions of Calandrino have beene

indifferently canvazed among us; yet, remembring what Philostratus not

long since saide, That they intended to nothing more then matter of

mirth: I presume the boldlier, to report another Novell of him, beside

them already past. And, were I willing to conceale the truth, and

cloath it in more circumstantiall maner: I could make use of

contrary names, and paint it in a poeticall fiction, perhaps more

probable, though not so pleasing. But because wandring from the

truth of things, doth much diminish (in relatic the delight of the

hearers: I will build boldly on my fore-alledged reason, and tel you

truly how it hapned.

  Niccholao Cornacchini was once a Citizen of ours, and a man of great

wealth; who, among other his rich possessions in Camerata, builded

there a very goodly house, which being perfected ready for painting:

he compounded with Bruno and Buffalmaco who bicause their worke

required more helpe then their owne, they drew Nello and Calandrino

into their association, and began to proceed in their businesse. And

because there was a Chamber or two, having olde moveables in them,

as Bedding, Tables, and other Houshold stuffe beside, which were in

the custody of an old Woman that kepte the house, without the helpe of

any other servants else, a Son unto the saide Niccholao, beeing

named Phillippo, resorted thither divers times, with one or other

prety Damosell in his company (in regard he was unmarried) where he

would abide a day or two with her, and then convey her home againe.

  At one time among the rest, it chanced that he brought a Damosell

thither named Nicholetta, who was maintained by a wily companion,

called Magione, in a dwelling which hee had at Camaldoli, and (indeed)

no honester then she should be. She was a very beautifull young woman,

wearing garments of great value, and (according to her quality) well

spoken, and of commendable carriage. Comming forth of her Chamber

one day, covered with a White veyle, because her haire hung loose

about her, which shee went to wash at a Well in the middle Court,

bathing there also her face and hands: Calandrino going (by chance) to

the same Well for water, gave her a secret salutation. She kindly

returning the like courtesie to him, began to observe him advisedly:

more, because he looked like a man newly come thither, then any

handsomnesse she perceyved in him.

  Calandrino threw wanton glances at her, and seeing she was both

faire and lovely, began to finde some occasion of tarrying, so that he

returned not with water to his other associates, yet neither knowing

her, or daring to deliver one word. She, who was not to learn her

lesson in alluring, noting what affectionate regards (with

bashfulnesse) he gave her: answered him more boldly with the like; but

meerly in scorning manner, breathing forth divers dissembled sighs

among them: so that Calandrino became foolishly inveigled with her

love, and would not depart out of the Court, until Phillippo, standing

above in his Chamber window called her thence.

  When Calandrino was returned backe to his businesse, he could do

nothing else, but shake the head, sigh, puffe, and blowe, which

being observed by Bruno (who alwayes fitted him according to his

folly, as making a meer mockery of his very best behaviour) sodainly

he said. Why how now Calandrino? Sigh, puffe, and blow man? What may

be the reason of these unwonted qualities? Calandrino immediately

answered, saying: My friendly Companion Bruno, if I had one to lend me

a little helpe, I should very quickely become well enough. How? quoth

Bruno, doth any thing offend thee, and wilt thou not reveale it to thy

friend Deare Bruno, said Calandrino, there is a proper handsome

woman here in the house, the goodliest creature that ever any eye

beheld, much fairer then the Queen of Fairies her selfe, who is so

deeply falne in love with mee, as thou wouldst thinke it no lesse then

a wonder; and yet I never sawe her before, till yer while when I was

sent to fetch water. A very strange case, answered Bruno, take heede

Calandrino, that shee bee not the lovely friend to Phillippo, our yong

Master, for then it may prove a dangerous matter.

  Calandrino stood scratching his head an indifferent while, and

then sodainly replyed thus. Now trust me Bruno, it is to bee

doubted, because he called her at his Window, and she immediatly

went up to his Chamber. But what doe I care if it be so? Have not

the Gods themselves bene beguiled of their Wenches, who were better

men then ever Phillippo can be, and shall I stand in feare of him?

Bruno replied: Be patient Calandrino, I will enquire what Woman she

is, and if she be not the wife or friend to our young master

Phillippo, with faire perswasions I can over-rule the matter,

because shee is a familiar acquaintance of mine. But how shall wee

doe, that Buffalmaco may not know heereof? I can never speake to

her, if hee be in my company. For Buffalmaco (quoth Calandrino) I have

no feare at all, but rather of Nello, because he is a neer Kinsman

to my wife, and he is able to undo me quite, if once it should come to

his hearing. Thou saist well, replyed Bruno, therefore the matter hath

neede to be very cleanly carried.

  Now let me tell you, the Woman was well enough knowne to Bruno, as

also her quality of life, which Phillippo had acquainted him

withall, and the reason of her resorting thither. Wherefore,

Calandrino going forth of the roome where they wrought, onely to gaine

another sight of Nicholetta, Bruno revealed the whole history to

Buffalmaco and Nello; they all concluding together, how this amorous

fit of the foole was to be followed. And when Calandrino was

returned backe againe; in whispering maner Bruno said to him. Hast

thou once more seene her? Yes, yes Bruno, answered Calandrino: Alas,

she hath slaine me with her very eye, and I am no better then a dead

man. Be patient said Bruno, I will goe and see whether she be the same

woman which I take her for, or no: and if it prove so, then never

feare, but refer the businesse unto me.

  Bruno descending downe the staires, found Phillippo and Nicholetta

in conference together, and stepping unto them, discoursed at large,

what manner of man Calandrino was, and how farre he was falne in

love with her: so that they made a merry conclusion, what should be

performed in this case, onely to make a pastime of his hot begun love.

And being come backe againe to Calandrino, he saide. It is the same

woman whereof I told thee, and therefore wee must worke wisely in

the businesse: for if Phillippo perceive any thing, all the water in

Arno will hardly serve to quench his fury. But what wouldst thou

have me say to her on thy behalfe, if I compasse the meanes to

speake with her? First of all (quoth Calandrino) and in the prime

place, tell her, that I wish infinite bushels of those blessings,

which makes Maides Mothers, and begetteth children. Next, that I am

onely hers, in any service she wil command me. Dooest thou

understand me what I say? Sufficiently answered Bruno, leave all to

me.

  When supper time was come, that they gave over working, and were

descended downe into the Court: there they found Phillippo and

Nicholetta readily attending to expect some beginning of amorous

behaviour, and Calandrino glanced such leering lookes at her, coughing

and spetting with hummes and haes, yea in such close and secret

manner, that a starke blinde sight might verie easily have perceyved

it.

  She also on the other side, returned him such queint and cunning

carriage, as enflamed him farre more furiously, even as if hee were

ready to leape out of himselfe. In the meane while, Phillippo,

Buffalmaco and the rest that were there present, seeming as if they

were seriouslie consulting together, and perceived nothing of his

fantastick behavior, according as Bruno had appointed, could scarse

refraine from extremity of laughter, they noted such antick trickes in

Calandrino.

 Having spent an indifferent space in this foppish folly, the houre of

parting came, but not without wonderful affliction to Calandrino;

and as they were going towards Florence, Bruno saide closely to

Calandrino. I dare assure thee, that thou hast made her to consume and

melt, even like ice against the warme Sunne. On my word, if thou

wouldst bring thy Gitterne, and sit downe by us, singing some few

amorous songs of thine owne making, when we are beneath about our

businesse in the Court: shee would presently leape out of the

Window, as being unable to tarry from thee.

  I like thy counsell well Bruno, answered Calandrino; but shall I

bring my Gitterne thither indeed? Yes, in any case, replied Bruno, for

Musicke is a matter of mighty prevailing. Ah Bruno (quoth

Calandrino) thou wouldst not credit me in the morning, when I tolde

thee, how the very sight of my person had wounded her: I perceived

it at the very first looke of her owne, for shee had no power to

conceale it. Who but my selfe could so soone have enflamed her

affection, and being a woman of such worth and beauty as shee is?

There are infinite proper handsome fellowes, that daily haunt the

company of dainty Damosels, yet are so shallow in the affayres of

love, as they are not able to win one wench of a thousand, no, not

with all the wit they have, such is their extreame follie and ill

fortune.

  Then pausing a while, and sodainely rapping out a Lovers Oath or

two, thus he proceeded. My dearest Bruno, thou shalt see how I can

tickle my Gitterne, and what good sport will ensue thereon. If thou

dost observe me with judgement, why man, I am not so old as I seeme to

be, and she could perceive it at the very first view; yea, and she

shall finde it so too, when we have leysure to consult upon further

occasions: I finde my selfe in such a free and frolicke jocunditie

of spirit, that I will make her to follow me, even as a fond woman

doth after her child.

  But beware, saide Bruno, that thou do not gripe her over-hard, and

in kissing, bee carefull of biting, because the teeth stand in thy

head like the pegges of a Lute, yet make a comely shew in thy faire

wide mouth, thy cheekes looking like two of our artificiall Roses,

swelling amiably, when thy jawes are well fild with meat. Calandrino

hearing these hansome comnendations, thought himselfe a man of

action already, going, singing, and frisking before his companie so

lively, as if he had not bin in his skin.

  On the morrow, carrying his Gitterne thither with him, to the no

little delight of his companions, hee both played and sung a whole

Bed-role of himselfe to any worke all the day: but loitering

fantastically, one while he gazed out at the window, then ran to the

gate, and oftentimes downe into the Court onely to have a sight of his

Mistresse. She also (as cunningly) encountred all his ollies, by

such directions as Bruno gave her, and many more beside of her owne

devising, to quicken him still with new occasions: Bruno plaid the

Ambassador betweene them, in delivering the messages from

Calandrino, and then returning her answers to him. Sometimes when

she was absent thence (which often hapned as occasions called her)

then he would write letters in her name, and bring them, as if they

were sent by her, to give him hope of what hee desired, but because

she was then among her kindred, yet she could not be unmindfull of

him.

  In this manner, Bruno and Buffalmaco (who had the managing of this

amorous businesse) made a meere Gregory of poore Calandrino, causing

him somtimes to send her, one while a pretty peece of Ivory, then a

faire wrought purse, and a costly paire of knives, with other such

like friendly tokens: bringing him backe againe, as in requital of

them, counterfetted Rings of no valew, Bugles and bables, which he

esteemed as matters of great moment. Moreover, at divers close and

sodain meetings, they made him pay for many dinners and suppers,

amounting to indifferent charges, onely to be careful in the

furtherance of his lovesuit, and to conceale it from his wife.

 Having worne out three or foure months space in this fond and

frivolous manner, without any other successe then as hath bene

declared; and Calandrino perceiving, that the worke undertaken by

him and his fellowes, grew very neere uppon the finishing, which would

barre him of any longer resorting thither: hee began to solicite Bruno

more importunately, then all the while before he hadde done. In regard

whereof Nicholetta being one day come thither, and Bruno having

conferred both with her and Phillippo, with ful determination what was

to be done, he began with Calandrino, saying. My honest Neighbour

and Friend, this Woman hath made a thousand promises, to graunt what

thou art so desirous to have, and I plainly perceive that she hath

no such meaning, but meerely plaies with both our noses. In which

respect, seeing she is so perfidious, and will not perfourme one of

all her faithfull-made promises: if thou wilt consent to have it so,

she shall be compelled to do it whether she will or no. Yea marry

Bruno, answered Calandrino, that were an excellent course indeede,

if it could be done, and with expedition.

  Bruno stood musing awhile to himselfe, as if he had some strange

stratagem in his braine, and afterward said. Hast thou so much

corage Calandrino, as but to handle a peece of written parchment,

which I will give thee? Yes, that I have answered Calandrino, I hope

that needed not to be doubted. then, saide Bruno, procure that I may

have a piece of Virgin Parchment brought mee, with a living Bat or

Reremouse; three graines of Incense, and an hallowed Candle, then

leave me to effect what shal content thee. Calandrino watched all

the next night following, with such preparation as he could make,

onely to catch a Bat; which being taken at the last, he broght it

alive to Bruno (with all the other materials appointed) who taking him

alone into a backer Chamber, there hee wrote divers follies on the

Parchment, in the shape of strange and unusuall Charracters, which

he delivered to Calandrino, saying: Be bold Calandrino, and build

constantly uppon my wordes, that if thou canst but touch her with this

sacred Charractred charme, she will immediately follow thee, and

fulfil whatsoever thou pleasest to command hir. Wherefore, if

Phillippo do this day walke any whither abroad from this house,

presume to salute her, in any manner whatsoever it be, and touching

her with the written lines, go presently to the barn of hay, which

thou perceivest so neere adjoyning, the onely convenient place that

can be, because few or none resort thither. She shall (in despight

of her blood) follow thee; and when thou hast her there, I leave

thee then to thy valiant victory. Calandrino stood on tiptoe, like a

man newly molded by Fortune, and warranted Bruno to fulfil all

effectually.

  Nello, whom Calandrino most of all feared and mistrusted, had a hand

as deepe as any of the rest in this deceite, and was as forward also

to have it performed, by Brunoes direction, hee went unto Florence,

where being in company with Calandrinoes Wife, thus hee began.

  Cousine, thine unkinde usage by thine husband, is not unknown to me,

how he did beate thee (beyond the compasse of all reason) when he

brought home stones from the plain of Mugnone; in which regard, I am

very desirous to have thee revenged on him: which if thou wilt not do,

never repute me heereafter for thy Kinsman and Friend. He is falne

in love with a Woman of the common gender, one that is to be hired for

money: he hath his private meetings with her, and the place is

partly knowne to me, as by a secret appointment (made very lately) I

am credibly given to understand; wherefore walke presently along

with me, and thou shalt take him in the heat of his knavery.

  All the while as these words were uttering to her, shee could not

dissemble her inward impatience, but starting up as halfe franticke

with fury. she said. O notorious villaine! Darest thou abuse thine

honest wife so basely? I sweare by blessed Saint Bridget, thou shalt

be paid with coyne of thine owne stampe. So casting a light wearing

Cloake about her, and taking a yong woman in her company; shee went

away with Nello in no meane haste. Bruno seeing her comming a farre

off, said to Phillippo: You Sir, you know what is to be done, act your

part according to your appointment. Phillippo went immediately into

the roome, where Calandrino and his other Consorts were at worke,

and said to them. Honest friends, I have certaine occasions which

command mine instant being at Florence: worke hard while I am

absent, and I will not be unthankefull for it. Away hee departed

from them, and hid himselfe in a convenient place, where he could

not be descryed, yet see whatsoever Calandrino did: who when he

imagined Phillippo to be farre enough off, descended downe into the

Court, where he found Nicholetta sitting alone, and going towards her,

began to enter into discoursing with her.

  She knowing what remained to bee done on her behalfe, drew

somewhat neere him, and shewed her selfe more familiar then formerly

she had done: by which favourable meanes, he touched her with the

charmed Parchment, which was no sooner done; but with out using any

other kinde of language, hee went to the hay-Barne, whither

Nicholletta followed him, and both being entred, he closed the Barne

doore, and then stood gazing on her, as if hee had never seene her

before. Standing stil as in a study, or bethinking himselfe what he

should say: she began to use affable gesture to him, and taking him by

the hand, made shew as if shee meant to kisse him, which yet she

refrained, though he (rather then his life) would gladly have had

it. Why how now deare Calandrino (quoth she) jewell of my joy, comfort

of my heart, how many times have I longed for thy sweet Company? And

enjoying it now, according to mine owne desire, dost thou stand like a

Statue, or man alla morte? The rare tunes of the Gitterne, but (much

more) the melodious accents of thy voyce, excelling Orpheus or

Amphion, so ravished my soule, as I know not how to expresse the depth

of mine affection; and yet hast thou brought me hither, onely to looke

babies in mine eyes, and not so much as speake one kinde word to me?

  Bruno and Buffalmaco, having hid themselves close behinde

Philippo, they both heard and saw all this amourous conflict, and as

Calandrino was quickning his courage, and wiping his mouth, with

intent to kisse her: his wife and Nello entred into the Barne, which

caused Nicholetta to get her gone presently, sheltring her self

where Philippo lay scouting. But the enraged woman ranne furiously

upon poore daunted Calandrino, making such a pitiful massacre with her

nailes, and tearing the baire from his head, as hee meerely looked

like an infected Anatomy. Fowle loathsome dog (quoth she) must you

be at your minions, and leave mee hunger-starved at home? An olde

knave with (almost) never a good tooth in thy head, and yet art thou

neighing after young wenches? hast thou not worke enough at home,

but must bee gadding in to other mens grounds? Are these the fruites

of wandring abroad?

 Calandrino being in this pittifull perplexity, stood like one neither

alive nor dead, nor daring to use any resistance against her; but fell

on his knees before his Wife, holding up his hands for mercy, and

entreating her (for charities sake) not to torment him any more: for

he had committed no harme at all, and the Gentlewoman was his

Masters Wife, who came with no such intent thither, as shee fondly

imagined. Wife, or wife not (quoth she) I would have none to meddle

with my I but I that have the most right to him.

  Bruno and Buffalmaco, who had laughed all this while heartily at

this pastime, with Phillippo and Nicholetta; came running in haste

to know the reason of this loude noise, and after they had pacified

the woman with gentle perswasions: they advised Calandrino, to walke

with his Wife to Florence, and returne no more to worke there

againe, least Phillippo hearing what had hapned, should be revenged on

him with some outrage. Thus poore Calandrino miserably misused and

beaten, went home to Florence with his Wife, scoulded and raild at all

the way, beside his other molestations (day and night) afterward:

his Companions, Phillippo and Nicholetta, making themselves merry at

his mis-fortune.