Act II

Enter Eunomia and Megadorus from Latter's House.
Eun. Brother, I do hope you'll believe I say this out of my loyalty to you and for your welfare, as a true sister should. Of course I'm well enough aware you men think us women are a bother;yes, awful chatterboxes --  that's the name we all have, and (ruefully) it fits. And the that common saying:" Never now, nor through the ages, never any woman dumb." But just the same, do remember this one thing, brother, --  that I am closer to you and you to me than anyone else in the whole world. So both of us ought to advise and counsel each other as to what we feel is to either's advantage, not keep such things back or be afraid to speak out openly; we ought to confide in one another fully, you and I. This is why I've taken you aside out here now --  so that we can have a quiet talk on a matter that concerns you intimately.

Mega. (warmly)Let's have your hand. you best of women!

Eun. (pretending to look about) Where is she? Who on earth is that best of women?

Mega. Yourself.

Eun. You say that -- you?

Mega. (banteringly) Oh well, if you deny it --

Eun. Really now, you ought to be truthful. There's no such thing, you know,

as picking out the best woman: it's only a question of comparative badness,brother.

Mega. My own opinion precisely; I'll never differ with you there,sister, you may count on that.

Eun. Now do give me your attention, there's a dear.

Mega. It is all your own: use me, command me -- anything you wish.

Eun. I'm going to advise you to do something that I think will be the very

best thing in the world for you.

Mega. Quite like you, sister.

Eun. I hope so.

Mega. And what is this something, my dear?

Eun. Something that will make for your everlasting welfare. You should have children -- God grant you may! --  and I want you to marry.

Mega. Oh-h-h, murder!

Eun. How so?

Mega. Well, you're knocking my poor brains out with such a proposition, my dear girl: you're talking cobble-stones.

Eun. Now,now,do what your sister tells you.

Mega. I would, if it appealed to me.

Eun. It would be a good thing for you.

Mega. Yes -- to die before marrying. (pause) All right, I'll marry anyone you please, in this condition,though: her wedding to-morrow, and her wake the day after. Still wish it, on this condition? Produce her! Arrange for the festivities!

Eun. I can get you one with ever so big a dowry, dear. To be sure, she's not a young girl -- middle-aged, as a matter of fact. I'll see about it for you, brother, if you want.

Mega. You don't mind my asking you a question, I dare say?

Eun. Why, of course not; anything you like.

Mega. Now supposing a man pretty well on in life marries a lady of maturity and this aged female should happen to show intentions of making the old fellow a father --  can you doubt but that the name in store for that youngster is Postumus? See here, sister, I'll relieve you of all this and save you trouble. I'm rich enough, thanks be to heaven and our forbears. And I have no fancy at all for those ladies of high station and hauteur and fat dowries, with their shouting and their ordering and their ivory trimmed carriages and their purple and fine linen that cost a husband his liberty.

Eun. For mercy's sake tell me what you do want to marry, then!

Mega. I'm going to. You know the old gentleman -- rather hard up, poor fellow, -- that lives next door, Euclio?

Eun. Yes indeed. Why, he seems quite nice.

Mega. It's his daughter -- there's the engagement I'm eager for. Now don't make a fuss,sister. I know what you're about to say -- that she's poor. But this particular poor girl suits me.

Eun. God's blessing on your choice,dear!

Mega. I trust so.

Eun. (about to leave) Well, there's nothing I can do?

Mega. Yes -- take good care of yourself.

Eun. You too,brother. (Exit Eunomia)

Mega. Now for an interview with Euclio, if he's at home.(looking down the street) Hullo, though! here he is! Just getting back from somewhere or other.

Scene 2

Enter Euclio

Eucl. (without seeing Megadorus) I knew it! Something told me I was going on a fool's errand when I left the house; that's why I hated to go. Why, there wasn't a single man of our ward there, or the director either, who ought to have distributed the money. Now I'll hurry up and hurry home: I'm here in the body ,but that's where my mind is.

Mega. (advancing with outstretched hand) Good day to you, Euclio, yes, and the best of everything to you always!

Eucl. (taking hand gingerly) God bless you, Megadorus.

Mega. How goes it? All right, are you? Feeling as well as you could wish?

Eucl. (aside) There's something behind it when a rich man puts on that smooth air with a poor one. Now that fellow knows I've got gold: That's why he's so uncommon smooth with his salutations.

Mega. You say you are well?

Eucl. Heavens, no: I feel low, very low -- in funds.

Mega. (cheerily) Well,well, man, if you have a contented mind, you've got enough to enjoy life with.

Eucl. (aside,frightened) Oh, good lord! The old woman has let on to him about the gold! It's discovered, clear as can be! I'll cut her tongue out, I'll tear her eyes out, the minute I get at her in the house!

Mega. What is that you're saying to yourself?

Eucl. (startled) Just.. how awful it is to be poor. And I with a grown up girl, without a penny of dowry, that I can't get off my hands or find a husband for.

Mega. (clapping him on the back) There,there, Euclio! Cheer up. She shall be married: I'll help you out. Come now,call on me, if you need anything.

Eucl. (aside) When he agrees to give he wants to grab! Mouth wide open to gobble down my gold! Holds up a bit of bread in one hand and a stone in the other! I don't trust one of these rich fellows when he's so monstrous civil to a poor man. They give you a cordial handshake, and squeeze something out of you at the same time. I know all about those octopuses that touch a thing and then -- stick.

Mega. I should be glad to have a moment of your time, Euclio. I want to have a brief talk with you on a matter that concerns us both.

Eucl. (aside) Oh, God save us! My gold's been hooked and now he wants to make a deal with me! I see it all! But I'll go in and look. (hurries toward house)

Mega. Where are you off to?

Eucl. Just a moment!...I'll be back... the fact is... I must see to something at home.(exit into house)

Mega. By Jove! I'll suppose he'll think I'm making fun of him when I speak about his giving me his daughter; poverty never made a fellow closer-fisted.

Re-enter Euclio

Eucl. (aside) Thank the lord,I'm saved! It's safe --  that is, if it's all there. Ah, but that was a dreadful moment! I nearly expired before i got in the house. ( to Megadorus) Here I am, Megadorus, if you want anything of me.

Mega. Thanks. Now I trust you won't mind answering the questions I'm going to ask.

Eucl.(cautiously) No-no --  that is, if you don't ask any I don't like to answer.

Mega. Frankly now, what do you think of my family connections?

Eucl.(grudgingly) Good.

Mega. And my sense of honour?

Eucl. Good.

Mega. And my general conduct?

Eucl. Not bad, not disreputable.

Mega. You know my age?

Eucl. Getting on, getting on, I know that -- (aside) financially too.

Mega. Now Euclio, I've always considered you a citizen of the true, trusty type, by Jove, I certainly have, and I do still.

Eucl. (aside) He's a got a whiff of my gold. (aloud) Well, what do you want?

Mega. Now that we appreciate each other, I'm going to ask you --  and may it turn out happily for you and your girl and me --  to give me your daughter in marriage. Promise you will.

Eucl. (whining) Now, now, Megadorus! This is unlike you, making fun of a poor man like me that never harmed you or yours. Why, I never said or did a thing to deserve being treated so.

Mega. Good Lord, man! I didn't come here to make fun of you, and I'm not making fun of you: I couldn't think of such a thing.

Eucl. Then why are you asking for my daughter?

Mega. Why? So that we may all of us make life pleasanter for one another.

Eucl. Now here's the way it strikes me, Megadorus --  you're a rich man, a man of position: but as for me, I'm poor, awfully poor, dreadfully poor. Now if I was to marry off my daughter to you, it strikes me you'd be the ox and I'd be the donkey. When I was hitched up with you and couldn't pull my share of the load, down I'd drop, I, the donkey, in the mud; and you, the ox, wouldn't pay anymore attention to me than if I'd never been born at all. You would be too much for me: and my own kind would hee-haw at me: and if there should be a falling out, neither party would let me have stable quarters: the donkeys would chew me up and the oxen would run me through. It is a very hazardous business for donkeys to climb into the ox set.

Mega. But honourable human beings --  the more closely connected you are to them, the better. Come, come, accept my offer: listen to what I say and promise her to me.

Eucl. But not one penny of dowry can I give.

Mega. Don't. Only let me have a girl that's good, and she has dowry enough.

Eucl. (forcing a laugh) I mention this just so that you mayn't think I've found some treasure.

Mega. Yes,yes, I understand. Promise.

Eucl. So be it. (aside, starting at noise) Oh, my God! Can it be I'm ruined,ruined?

Mega. What's the matter?

Eucl. That noise? what was it --  a sort of clinking sound?( exit into house hurriedly)

Mega. (not noticing his departure) I told them to do some digging in my garden here. (looking around) But where is the man? Gone away and left me -- without a word! Scorns me, now he sees I desire friendship! Quite the usual thing, that. Yes, let a wealthy man try to get the regard of a poorer one, and the poor one is afraid to meet him half-way: his timidity makes him injure his own interests. Then when it's too late and the opportunity is gone he longs to have it again.

Re-enter Euclio

Eucl. (to Staphyla within) By heaven, if I don't have you're tongue torn out at the heavy roots, I give you orders, give you full authority, to hand me over to anyone you please to be skinned alive.( approaches Megadorus)

Mega. Upon my word, Euclio! So you think I am the proper sort of man to make a fool of, at my time of life, and without the slightest reason.

Eucl. Bless my soul! I'm not making a fool of you, Megadorus: I couldn't if I would.

Mega. (doubtfully) Well now, do you mean I am to have your daughter?

Eucl. On the understanding she goes with the dowry I mentioned.

Mega. You consent, then?

Eucl. I consent.

Mega. And may God prosper us!

Eucl. Yes,yes, --  and mind you remember the agreement about the dowry: she doesn't bring you a single penny.

Mega. I remember.

Eucl. But I know the way you folks have of juggling things: now it's on and now it's off. now it's off and now it's on, just as you like.

Mega. You shall have no occasion to quarrel with me. But about the marriage --  there's no reason for not having it today, is there?

Eucl. Dear,dear, no! The very thing, the very thing!

Mega. I'll go and make arrangements, then. (turning to leave) Anything else I can do?

Eucl. Only that. Go along. Good-bye.

Mega. (calling at the door of his house) Hey, Pythodicus! quick! (enter Pythodicus) Down to the market with me -- come, look alive! (exeunt)

Eucl. (looking after them) He's gone! Ah, ye immortal gods, doesn't money count! That is what he's gaping after. That is why he's set on being my son-in-law. (goes to the door and calls) Where are you, you blabber, telling the whole neighbourhood I'm going to give my daughter a dowry! Hi-i! Staphyla! It's you I'm calling. Can't you hear!

Scene 3

(enter Staphyla) Hurry up with the dishes inside there and give them a good scouring. I have betrothed my daughter: she marries Megadorus here to-day.

Staph. God bless them!(hastily) Goodness, though! It can't be done. This is too sudden.

Eucl. Silence! Off with you! Have things ready by the time I get back from the forum. And lock the door, mind; I shall be here soon.(Exit Euclio)

Staph. What shall I do now? Now we're all but ruined, the young mistress and me: now it's all but public property about her being disgraced and brought to be. We can't conceal it, we can't keep it in the dark any longer now. But I must go in and do what master ordered me before he gets back. Oh deary me! I'm afraid I've got to take a drink of trouble and tribulation mixed.(exit Staphyla into house)

Scene 4

( An hour has elapsed)

Enter Pythodicus bringing cooks, Anthrax and Congrio, music girls, Phrygia and Eleusium, and attendants, with provisions from the market and two lambs.

Pyth. (importantly) After master did the marketing and hired the cooks and these music girls at the forum, he told me to take and divide all he'd got into two parts.

Anth.. By Jupiter, you shan't make two parts of me, let me tell you that plainly! If you'd like to have the whole of me anywhere, why, I'll accommodate you.

Cong. (to Anthrax) You pretty boy,yes, you nice little everyone's darling, you! Why, if anyone wanted to make two parts of a real man out of you, you oughtn't to be cut out about it.

Pyth. Now, now, Anthrax, I mean that otherwise from what you make out. Look here, my master's marrying to-day.

Anth. Who's the lady?

Pyth. Daughter of old Euclio who lives next door here. Yes sir, and what's more, he's to have half this stuff here, and one cook and one music girl, too,so master said.

Anth. You mean to say half goes to him and half to you folks?

Pyth. Just what I do mean.

Anth. I say, couldn't the old boy pay for the catering for his daughter's wedding his own self?

Pyth. (scornfully) Pooh!

Anth. What's the matter?

Pyth. The matter, eh? You couldn't squeeze as much out of that old chap as you could out of a pumice stone.

Anth. (incredulously) Oh really now!

Pyth. That's a fact. Judge for yourself. Why, I tell you he begins bawling to heaven and earth to witness that he's bankrupt, gone to everlasting smash, the moment a puff of smoke from his beggarly fire manages to get out of his house. Why, when he goes to bed he strings a bag over his jaws.

Anth. What for?

Pyth. So as not to chance losing any breath when he's asleep.

Anth. Oh yes! And he puts a stopper on his lower windpipe, doesn't he, so as not to chance losing any breath while he's asleep?

Pyth. (ingenuously) You should believe me, I believe, just as I should believe you.

Anth. (hurriedly) Oh,no ,no ! I do believe, of course!

Pyth. But listen to this, will you? Upon my word, after he takes a bath it just breaks him all up to throw away the water.

Anth. D'ye think the old buck could be induced to make us a present of a couple of hundred pounds to buy ourselves off with?

Pyth. Lord! He wouldn't make you a loan of his hunger, no sir, not if you begged him for it. Why, the other day when a barber cut his nails for him he collected all the clippings and took 'em home.

Anth. I am, and a whole lot better,too.

Pyth. At cooking I mean, not thieving.

Anth. Well, I mean cooking.

Pyth. (to Congrio) And how about you?

Cong. (with a meaning glance at Anthrax) I'm what I look.

Anth. He's nothing but a market-day cook,that chap: he only gets a job once a week.

Cong. You running me down, you? You five letter man, you! You T-H-I-E-F!

Anth. Five letter man yourself! Yes, and five times  -- penned!

Scene 5

Pyth. (to Anthrax) Come, come, shut up,you: and this fattest lamb here,(pointing) take it and go over to our house.

Anth. (grinning triumphantly at Congrio) Aye, aye ,sir.

(Exit Anthrax into house of Megadorus leading lamb)

Pyth. Congrio, you take this one he's left(pointing) and go into that house there,(pointing to Euclio's) and as for you,(indicating some of the attendants) you follow him. The rest of you come over to our house.

Cong. Hang it! That's no way to divide: they've got the fattest lamb.

Pyth. Oh well, I'll give you the fattest music girl. ( turning to girls) That means you, Phrygia: you go with him. As for you, Eleusium, you step over to our place. ( exeunt Eleusium and others into house of Megadorus)

Cong. Oh, you're a wily one, Pythodicus! Shoving me off on this old screw, eh? If I ask for anything there, I can ask myself hoarse before I get a thing.

Pyth. An ungrateful blockhead is what you are. The idea of doing you a favour, when it's only thrown away!

Cong. Eh? How so?

Pyth. How so? Well, in the first place there won't be an uproarious gang in that house to get in your way: if you need anything, just you fetch it from home so as not to waste time asking for it. Here at our establishment, though, we do have a great big uproarious gang of servants, and knick-knackery and jewellery and clothes and silver plate lying about. Now if anything was missing, --  of course it's easy for you to keep your hands off, provided there's nothing in reach, --  they'd say: " the cooks got away with it! Collar 'em! Tie 'em up! Thrash 'em! Throw 'em in the dungeon!" Now over there (pointing to Euclio's) nothing like this will happen to you --  as there's nothing at all about for you to filch. (going toward Euclio's house) Come, along.

Cong. (sulkily) Coming. ( he and the rest follow)

Scene 6

Pyth. (knocking at door) Hey! Staphyla! Come here and open the door.

Stap.(within) Who is it?

Pyth. Pythodicus.

Stap. (sticking her head out) What do you want?

Pyth. Take these cooks and the music girl and the supplies for the wedding festival. Megadorus told us to take 'em over to Euclio's.

Stap. (examining the provisions disappointedly) Whose festival are the going to celebrate, Pythodicus? Ceres'?

Pyth. Why hers?

Stap. Well, no tipple's been brought, as I notice.

Pyth. But there'll be some all right when the old gent gets back from the forum.

Stap. We haven't got any firewood in the house.

Cong. Any rafters in it?

Stap. Mercy,yes.

Cong. There's firewood in it ,then: never mind going for any.

Stap. Hey? You godless thing! even though you are a devotee of Vulcan, do you want us to burn our house down, all for your dinner or your pay? (advances on him).

Cong. (shrinking back) I don't, I don't.

Pyth. Take 'em inside.

Stap. (brusquely) This way with you.(exeunt Congrio and others into Euclio's house.)

Scene 7

Pyth. (as they leave) Look out for things. (starting for Megadorus's house) I'll go see what the cook's are at. By gad, it's the devil's own job keeping an eye on those chaps. The only way is to make 'em cook dinner in the dungeon and then haul it up in baskets when it's done. Even so, though, if they're down there gobbling up all they cook, it's a case of starve in heaven and stuff in hell. But here I am gabbling away just as if there wasn't anything to do, and the house all full of those young Grabbits.(Exit Pythodicus)

Scene 8

Enter Euclio from Forum carrying a small package and a few forlorn flowers.

Eucl. Now I did want to be hearty to-day, and do the handsome thing for daughter's wedding, yes I did. Off I go to the market -- ask for fish! Very dear! And lamb dear... and beef dear... and veal and tunny and pork... everything dear, everything! Yes, and all the dearer for my not having any money! It just made me furious, and seeing I couldn't buy anything, I up and left. That's how I circumvented 'em, the whole dirty pack of 'em. Then I began to reason things out with myself as I walked along." Holiday feasting makes everyday fasting," says I to myself," unless you economize." After I'd put the case this way to my stomach and heart, my mind supported my motion to cut down daughter's wedding expenses just as much as possible. Now I've bought a little frankincense here and some wreaths of flowers: we'll put 'em on the hearth in honour of our household God, so that he may bless daughter's marriage. (looking toward house) Eh! What's my door open for? A clattering inside, too! Oh, mercy on us! It can't be burglars, can it?

Cong. (within, to an attendant) See if you can't get a bigger pot from one of the neighbours: this here's a little one: it won't hold it all.

Eucl. Oh, my God! my God! I'm ruined! They're taking my gold! They're after my pot! Oh, oh Apollo, help me, save me! Shoot your arrows through them, the treasure thieves, if you've ever helped a man in such a pinch before! But I must rush in before they ruin me entirely! (Exit Euclio)

Scene 9

Enter Anthrax from house of Megadorus

Anth. (to servants inside) Dromo, scale the fish. As for you, Machaerio, you bone the conger and lamprey as fast as you know how. I'm going over next door to ask Congrio for the loan of the bread-pan. And you there! if you know what's good for you , you won't hand me back that rooster till it's plucked cleaner than a ballet dancer. (sound of scuffle in Euclio's house) Hullo, though! What's the row in the house next door? Hm! the cooks settling down to business, I reckon! I'll hustle back, or we'll be having a rumpus at our place,too.

(exit)