Act IV

Scene 1

Enter Strobilus

Strob. (self-complacently) This is the way for a good servant to act, the way I do: no thinking master's orders are a botheration and nuisance. I tell you what, if a servant wants to give satisfaction, he'd just better make it a case of master first and man second. Even if he should fall asleep, he ought to do it with an eye on the fact that he's a servant. He's got to know his master's inclinations like a book, so that he can read his wishes in his face. And as for orders he must push 'em through faster than a fast four-in-hand. If a chap minds all this, he won't be paying taxes on rawhide, or ever spend his time polishing a ball and chain with his ankles. Now the fact is, master's in love with the daughter of poor old Euclio here; and he's just got word that she's going to be married to Megadorus there. So he's sent me over to keep my eyes peeled and report on operations. I'll just settle down alongside the sacred altar ( does so) and no one'll suspect me. I can inspect proceedings at both houses here.

Scene 2

Enter Euclio without seeing Strobilus

Eucl. (plaintively) Only be sure you don't let anyone know my gold is there, Faith: no fear of anyone finding it, not after the lovely way I tucked it in that dark nook. (pauses) Oh my God, what a beautiful haul he would get, if anyone should find it --  a pot crammed with gold! For mercy's sake, though, Faith, don't let him! (walks slowly toward house) Now I'll have a bath, so that I may sacrifice and not hinder my prospective son-in-law from marrying my girl the moment he claims her. (looking down street toward temple) Take care now,Faith, do,do,do take care I get my gold back from you safe. I've trusted my gold to your good faith, laid it away in your grove and shrine. (exit Euclio into house)

Strob.(jumping up) Ye immortal Gods! What's all this I heard the fellow tell of! A pot just crammed with gold hidden in the shrine of Faith here! For the love of heaven,Faith, don't be more faithful to him than to me. Yes, and he's the father of the girl that is master's sweetheart, or I'm mistaken. I'm going in there: I'll search that shrine from top to bottom and see if I can't find the gold somewhere while he's busy here. But if I come across it -- of, Faith, I'll pour you out a five pint pot of wine and honey! There now! that's what I'll do for you; and when I've done that for you, why, I'll drink it up for myself. (exit to temple at a run)

Scene 3

Re-enter Euclio from house.

Eucl. (excitedly) It means something --  that raven cawing on my left just now! And all the time a-clawing the ground, croaking away, croaking away! The minute I heard him my heart began to dance a jig and jumped up into a throat. But I must run, run! (Exit into temple)

Scene 4

A few moments elapse. Then a sound of a scuffle down the street. Re-enter Euclio dragging Strobilus.

Eucl. Come! out,you worm! crawling up from underground just now! A minute ago you weren't to be found anywhere, and (grimly) now you're found you've finished! Oh-h-h-h you felon! I'm going to give it to you, this very instant!(beats him)

Strob. What the devil's got into you? What business have you got with me, old fellow? what are you pounding me for? What are you jerking me along for? What do you mean by battering me?

Eucl. (still pummelling him) Mean, eh? You batterissimo. You're not a thief: you're three thieves.

Strob. What did I steal from you?

Eucl. (threatingly) You kindly give it back.

Strob. Back? What back?

Eucl. A nice question!

Strob. I didn't take a thing from you, honestly.

Eucl. Well, what you took dishonestly, then! Hand it over! Come, come will you!

Strob. Come, come, what?

Eucl. You shan't get away with it.

Strob. What is it you want?

Eucl. Down with it!

Strob. Down with it, eh? Looks as if you've downed too much of it yourself already, old boy.

Eucl. Down with it, I tell you! None of your repartee! I'm not in the humour for trifling now.

Strob. Down with what? Come along, speak out and give it its name, whatever it is. Hang it all, I never took a thing nor touched a thing, and that's flat.

Eucl. Show me your hands.

Strob. (stretching them out) All right --  there they are: have a look.

Eucl. (dryly) I see. Come now, the third one: out with it.

Strob. (aside) He's got 'em! The old chap's mad,stark,staring mad! ( to Euclio,virtuously) Now aren't you doing me an injury?

Eucl. I am, a hideous injury --  in not hanging you. And I'll soon do that,too, if you don't confess.

Strob. Confess what?

Eucl. What did you carry off from here.(pointing toward temple)

Strob. (solemnly) May I be damned, if I carried off a thing of yours. (aside) Likewise if I didn't want to.

Eucl. Come on, shake out your cloak.

Strob. (doing so) Anything you say.

Eucl. Um! probably under your tunic.

Strob. (cheerfully) Feel anywhere you please.

Eucl. Ugh! You rascal! How obliging you are! That I may think you didn't take it! I'm up with you're dodges. ( searches him) Once more now --  out with your hand, the right one.

Strob. (obeying) There you are.

Eucl. Now the left one.

Strob. (obeying) Why, certainly; here's the both of 'em.

Eucl. Enough of this searching. Now give it here.

Strob. What?

Eucl. Oh-h! Bosh! You must have it!

Strob. I have it? have what?

Eucl. I won't say: you're too anxious to know. Anything of mine you've got, hand it over.

Strob. Crazy! You went all through me as much as you liked without finding a solitary thing of yours on me.

Eucl. (excitedly) Wait, wait? ( turns toward temple and listens) Who's in there? Who was the other fellow in there along with you? (aside) My lord! this is awful, awful! There's another one at work in there all this time. And if I let go of this one he'll skip off. (pauses) But then I've searched him already: he hasn't anything. ( aloud) Off with you, anywhere! (releases him with a final cuff)

Strob. (from a safe distance) You be everlastingly damned!

Eucl. (aside, dryly) Nice way he has of showing his gratitude. (aloud,sternly) I'll go in there, and that accomplice of yours --  I'll strangle him on the spot. Are you going to vanish? Are you going to get out, or not? (advances)

Strob.(retreating) I am, I am!

Eucl. And kindly see I don't set eyes on you again.

(exit Euclio toward temple)

Scene 5

Strob. I'd sooner be tortured to death than not give that old fellow a surprise to-day. (reflecting) Well, after this he won't dare hide his gold here. What he'll must likely do is bring it out with him and put it somewhere else. (listening) Hm-m-m! There goes the door! Aha! the old boy's coming out with it. I'll just back up by the doorway for a while. (hides by Megadorus's house)

Scene 6

Re-enter Euclio with pot

Eucl. I used to fancy Faith, of all deities, was absolutely faithful, and here she's just missed making a downright ass of me. If that raven hadn't stood by me, I'd be a poor,poor ruined man. By heavens, I'd just like that raven to come and see me, the one that warned me, I certainly should, so that I may pay him a handsome -- compliment. As for tossing him a bite to eat,why, that would amount to throwing it away.(meditating) Let me think now; where is some lonely spot to hide this in? (after a moment) There's that grove of Silvanus outside the wall, solitary, willow thickets all around. There's where I'll pick my place. I'd sooner trust Silvanus than Faith, and that's settled.

Exit Euclio

Strob. Good!Good! The gods are with me: I'm a made man! Now I'll run on ahead and climb some tree there so as to sight the place where the old fellow hides it. What if master did tell me to wait here! I'd sooner wait for a thrashing along with the cash, and that's settled. (exit Strobilus)

Scene 7

Enter Lyconides and Eunomia

Lyc. That's the whole story, mother: you see how it is with me and Euclio's daughter as well as I do. And now, mother, I beg you, beg you again and again, as I did before: do tell my uncle about it, mother dear.

Eun. Your wishes are mine,dear; you know that yourself: and I feel sure that your uncle will not refuse me. It's a perfectly reasonable request,too, if it's all as you say and you actually did get intoxicated and treat the poor girl so.

Lyc. Is it like me to look you in the face and lie, my dear mother?

Phae. (within Euclio's house) Oh-oh! Nurse! Nurse dear! Oh, God help me! The pain!

Lyc. There, mother! There's better proof than words gives. Her cries! The child!

Eun. (agitated) Come, darling, come in to your uncle with me, so that I may persuade him to let it be as you urge.

Lyc. You go, mother: I'll follow you in a moment.(exit Eunomia into Megadorus's house) I wonder (looking around) where that fellow Strobilus of mine is that I told to wait for me here. (pauses) Well, on thinking it over, if he's doing something for me, it's all wrong my finding fault with him. (turning toward Megadorus's house) Now for the session that decides my fate. (exit)

Scene 8

Enter Strobilus with pot

Strob.(elated) Woodpeckers that haunt the Hills of Gold, eh! I can buy 'em up my own single self. As for the rest of your big kings --  not worth mentioning, poor beggarlets! I am the great King Philip. Oh, this is a grand day! Why, after I left here a while ago I got there long before him and was up in a tree long before he came: and from there I spotted where the old chap hid the stuff. After he'd gone I scrabbled down, dug up the pot full of gold! Then I saw him coming back from the place; he didn't see me, though. I slipped off a bit to one side of the road. ( looking down street) Aha! there he comes! I'll home and tuck this out of sight. (exit Strobilus)

Scene 9

Enter Euclio frantic

Eucl. (running, wildly back and forth) I'm ruined, I'm killed, I'm murdered! Where shall I run? Stop thief! Stop thief! What thief? Who? I don't know! I can't see! I'm all in the dark! Yes, yes, and where I'm going, or where I am, or who I am -- oh, I can't tell, I can't think! (to audience) Help, help, for heaven's sake, I beg you, I implore you! Show the man that took it. Eh, what's that? What are you grinning for? I know you, the whole lot of you! I know there are thieves here, plenty of 'em, that cover themselves up in dapper clothes and sit still as if they were honest men. (to spectator) You, sir, what do you say? I'll trust you, I will, I will. Yes, you're a worthy gentleman; I can tell it from your face. Ha! none of them has it? You don't know? Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear! I'm a ruined man! I'm lost,lost! Oh, what a plight! Oh, such a cruel, disastrous, dismal day --  it's made a starveling of me, a pauper! I'm the forlornest wretch on me! Ah, what is there in life for me when I've lost all that gold I guarded, oh, so carefully! I've denied myself, denied my own self comforts and pleasures;yes, and now others are making merry over my misery and loss! Oh, it's unendurable!

Enter Lyconides from house of Megadorus

Lyc. Who in the world is raising all this howling, groaning hullabaloo before our house here? (looking here) Upon my word, it's Euclio, I do believe. (drawing back) My time has certainly come: it's all out. He's just learned about his daughter's child, I suppose. Now I can't decide whether to leave or stay, advance or retreat. By Jove, I don't know what to do!

Scene 10

Eucl. (hearing sound of voice only) Who's that talking here?

Lyc. (stepping forward) I'm the poor wretch,sir.

Eucl. No,no, I'm the poor wretch, a poor ruined wretch, with all this trouble and tribulation.

Lyc. Keep your courage up, sir.

Eucl. For heaven's sake how can I?

Lyc. Well,sir, that outrage that distresses you -- (hesitantly) I'm to blame, and I confess it, sir.

Eucl. Hey? What's that?

Lyc. The truth.

Eucl. How have I ever harmed you, young man, for you to act like this and try to ruin me and my children?

Lyc. It was some demon got hold of me,sir, and led me on.

Eucl. How is this?

Lyc. I admit I've done wrong, sir; I deserve your reproaches, and I know it; more than that, I've come to beg you to be patient and forgive me.

Eucl. How did you dare do it, dare touch what didn't belong to you?

Lyc. (penitently) Well, well, sir, --  it's done, and it can't be undone. I think it must have been fated; otherwise it wouldn't have happened, I'm sure of that.

Eucl. Yes, and I think it must have been fated that I'm to shackle you at my house and murder you!

Lyc. Don't say that, sir.

Eucl. Then why did you lay hands on what was mine, without my permission?

Lyc. It was all because of drink...and...love,sir.

Eucl. The colossal impudence of it! To dare to come to me with a tale like that, you shameless rascal! Why, if it's legal to clear yourself that way, we should be stripping ladies of their jewellery on the public highways in broad daylight! And then we were caught we'd excuse ourselves on the score that we were drunk and did it out of love. Drink and love are altogether too cheap, if your drunken lover can do what he likes and not suffer for it.

Lyc. Yes, but I've come of my own accord, sir, to entreat you to pardon my madness.

Eucl. I have no patience with men who do wrong and then try to explain it away. You knew you had no right to act so: you should have kept hands off.

Lyc. Well, now that I did venture to act so, I have no objection to holding to it, sir, --  I ask nothing better.

Eucl. (more angry) Hold to it? Against my will?

Lyc. I won't insist on it against your will, sir; but I do think my claim is just. Why, you'll soon come to realize the justice of it yourself,sir, I assure you.

Eucl. I'll march you off to court and sue you, by heaven I will, this minute, unless you bring it back.

Lyc. I? Bring what back?

Eucl. What you stole from me.

Lyc. I stole something of yours? Where from? What?

Eucl. (ironically) God bless your innocence --  you don't know!

Lyc. Not unless you say what you're looking for.

Eucl. The pot of gold, I tell you; I want back the pot of gold you owned up to taking.

Lyc. Great heavens, man! I never said that or did it, either.

Eucl. You deny it?

Lyc. Deny it? Absolutely. Why, I don't know, haven't any idea, about your gold, or what that pot is.

Eucl. The one you took from the grove of Silvanus -- give it me. Go, bring it back. (pleadingly) You can have half of it, yes, yes, I'll divide. Even though you are such a thief, I won't make any trouble for you. Do, do go and bring it back, oh do!

Lyc. Man alive, you're out of your senses, calling me a thief. I supposed you had found out about something else that does concern me, Euclio. There's an important matter I'm anxious to talk over quietly with you, sir, if you're at leisure.

Eucl. Give me your word of honour: you didn't steal that gold?

Lyc. (shaking his head) On my honour.

Eucl. And you don't know the man that did take it?

Lyc. Nor that, either, on my honour.

Eucl. And if you learn who took it, you'll inform me?

Lyc. I will.

Eucl. And you won't go shares with the man that has it,or shield the thief?

Lyc. No.

Eucl. What if you deceive me?

Lyc. Then, sir, may I be dealt with as great God sees fit.

Eucl. That will suffice. All right now, say what you want.

Lyc. In case you're not acquainted with my family connections, sir, --  Megadorus here is my uncle: my father was Antimachus, and my own name is Lyconides: Eunomia is my mother.

Eucl. I know who you are. Now what do you want? That's what I wish to know.

Lyc. You have a daughter.

Eucl. Yes, yes, at home there!

Lyc. You have betrothed her to my uncle, I understand.

Eucl. Precisely, precisely.

Lyc. He has asked me to inform you now that he breaks the engagement.

Eucl. (furious) Breaks the engagement, with everything ready, the wedding prepared for? May all the everlasting powers above consume that villain that's to blame for me losing my gold, all that gold, poor God forsaken creature that I am!

Lyc. Brace up, sir: don't curse. And now for something that I pray will turn out well and happily for yourself and your daughter -- "God grant it may" Say that.

Eucl. (doubtfully) God grant it may!

Lyc. God grant it may for me, too! Now listen, sir. There isn't a man alive so worthless but what he wants to clear himself when he's done wrong and is ashamed. Now, sir, if I've injures you or your daughter without realizing what I was doing, I implore you to forgive me and let me marry her as I'm legally bound to. ( nervously) It was the night of Ceres' festival... and what with wine and... a young fellow's natural impulses together... I wronged her, I confess it.

Eucl. Oh, oh,my God! What villainy am I hearing of?

Lyc. (patting his shoulder) Lamenting, sir, lamenting, when you're a grandfather, and this your daughter's wedding day? You see it's the tenth month since the festival -- reckon it up --  and we have a child,sir. This explains my uncle's breaking the engagement: he did it for my sake. Go in and inquire if it isn't just as I tell you.

Eucl. Oh, my life is wrecked, wrecked! The way calamities swarm down and settle on me one after another! Go in I will, and have the truth of it! Exit into his house

Lyc. (as he disappears) I'll soon be with you, sir. ( after a pause, contentedly) It does look as if we were pretty nearly safe in the shallows now. ( looking around) Where in the world my fellow Strobilus is I can't imagine. Well, the only thing to do is wait here a bit longer; then I'll join father-in-law inside. Meanwhile I'll let him have an opportunity to inquire into the case of the old nurse that's been his daughter's maid: she knows about it all. (waits in doorway)